Space Invader Guy

Earlier this year I had the misfortune to go out with a space-challenged guy (Sid) who seemed to view himself as if he lived in an alternate universe. Sid and I shared a few emails back and forth before deciding to meet for drinks one chilly Sunday evening. Unfortunately, Sid lived in Virginia (I have an inherent dislike of the suburbs). Fortunately he owned a car and seemed more than willing to pick me up and go to a place in the city. Sid was born in India and his one profile picture had him looking very youthful with a thick head of hair. It also specified that he was 6'0". If this were true than someone forgot to tell me that I won the lottery.

As soon as Sid got out of his car I realized a vast error had been made. Sid looked NOTHING like his profile picture. And when I write 'nothing', I mean I started wondering if I had mixed Sid up with some other Indian guy who I might have been communicating with. But, there wasn't another Indian guy, it was only Sid. And Sid appeared to be about 10 years older than his profile picture with about a quarter of the amount of hair. Don't even get me started on the height difference. Not only was Sid shorter than his published 6'0", he was a good 2" shorter than me (and I'm 5"9'....I promise). In other words, Sid was an imposter!

Greeaat. This was going to be a fun night. I got into Sid's car and tried to hide my shock. He drove up the street to a wine bar that I liked. When we parked I realized that the wine bar no longer existed and now it was some kind of tavern. What is happening in the universe?!

Sid and I engaged in mild banter during the brief car ride. As soon as we parked he gave me a small box of chocolate covered cherries from Godiva that he had picked up at the mall while shopping for his niece's birthday gift. I graciously thanked him and filed the box away in the bottom of my purse. Why didn't the cute guys ever bring presents? Maybe because they know they don't have to.

We found two spots at the bar and I immediately recognized the bartender from the wine bar that apparently no longer existed. He recognized me as well. We started chatting and told me they had changed venues during the summer and was surprised I hadn't been in since then. Bartender guy was cute and I remembered having had a bit of a crush on him. Knowing it is completely rude to flirt with a guy while on a date with another guy, I proceeded to flirt away! Time to bring out the big guns. Sid seemed slightly annoyed by this.

After we ordered 2 glasses of wine I noticed Sid's chair was awfully close to mine. And then...wait, why was his arm casually resting on the back of my chair? Uh oh. More social cues were definitely needed. I inched as far away from Sid's chair as I possibly could without risking falling out of my own chair.

Luckily, the Olympics were on the bar television and I pretended to be a huge hockey fan. Keep the conversation to sports, I thought. This was a little tricky as I know nothing about sports. But, I do know hockey is huge in Canada so I lead the conversation with that. I happily noticed Sid soon moved his arm and my chair was my own again.

Sid soon changed the topic from sports to more personal things. Crap. He turned his entire body to face me when he talked while I kept my hands in my lap and tried to stare straight ahead as much as possible. Sid talked about how all his friends are married and how he is looking to settle down and start the next 'chapter' of his life.

"Not me. Nooo. I have so much going on right now. Did I mention that I currently have 3 part-time jobs? Yeah, not much free time for me. No siree."

We managed to make it through another round of drinks, but as soon as Sid mentioned ordering food, I said I had already eaten and should probably go soon.

"I have an early day tomorrow. At. One. Of the jobs," I said.

The entire evening I spent marveling at the fact Sid could advertise himself so falsely. I don't mean to come across harshly, but when you post a profile picture that looks like a completely different person and adjust your height by 4" it is not okay! It only takes 1 date to call someone's bluff. Don't assume a perspective date is going to be an idiot.

When Sid dropped me off in front of my apartment he leaned over and tried to kiss me. But I was too fast for him! As I flung the car door open he literally looked pissed that I wouldn't kiss him. Not hurt, just angry. Don't think just because you paid for my drinks my lips are going anywhere near yours. If only a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' statement actually worked in adult situations.

Now I can understand why Nancy killed Sid in the hotel bathroom. Or was it the other way around? Hmm...must add the movie to my Netflix Q.

Score: -6 points