Sunday, April 25, 2010
Space Invader Guy
Earlier this year I had the misfortune to go out with a space-challenged guy (Sid) who seemed to view himself as if he lived in an alternate universe. Sid and I shared a few emails back and forth before deciding to meet for drinks one chilly Sunday evening. Unfortunately, Sid lived in Virginia (I have an inherent dislike of the suburbs). Fortunately he owned a car and seemed more than willing to pick me up and go to a place in the city. Sid was born in India and his one profile picture had him looking very youthful with a thick head of hair. It also specified that he was 6'0". If this were true than someone forgot to tell me that I won the lottery.
As soon as Sid got out of his car I realized a vast error had been made. Sid looked NOTHING like his profile picture. And when I write 'nothing', I mean I started wondering if I had mixed Sid up with some other Indian guy who I might have been communicating with. But, there wasn't another Indian guy, it was only Sid. And Sid appeared to be about 10 years older than his profile picture with about a quarter of the amount of hair. Don't even get me started on the height difference. Not only was Sid shorter than his published 6'0", he was a good 2" shorter than me (and I'm 5"9'....I promise). In other words, Sid was an imposter!
Greeaat. This was going to be a fun night. I got into Sid's car and tried to hide my shock. He drove up the street to a wine bar that I liked. When we parked I realized that the wine bar no longer existed and now it was some kind of tavern. What is happening in the universe?!
Sid and I engaged in mild banter during the brief car ride. As soon as we parked he gave me a small box of chocolate covered cherries from Godiva that he had picked up at the mall while shopping for his niece's birthday gift. I graciously thanked him and filed the box away in the bottom of my purse. Why didn't the cute guys ever bring presents? Maybe because they know they don't have to.
We found two spots at the bar and I immediately recognized the bartender from the wine bar that apparently no longer existed. He recognized me as well. We started chatting and told me they had changed venues during the summer and was surprised I hadn't been in since then. Bartender guy was cute and I remembered having had a bit of a crush on him. Knowing it is completely rude to flirt with a guy while on a date with another guy, I proceeded to flirt away! Time to bring out the big guns. Sid seemed slightly annoyed by this.
After we ordered 2 glasses of wine I noticed Sid's chair was awfully close to mine. And then...wait, why was his arm casually resting on the back of my chair? Uh oh. More social cues were definitely needed. I inched as far away from Sid's chair as I possibly could without risking falling out of my own chair.
Luckily, the Olympics were on the bar television and I pretended to be a huge hockey fan. Keep the conversation to sports, I thought. This was a little tricky as I know nothing about sports. But, I do know hockey is huge in Canada so I lead the conversation with that. I happily noticed Sid soon moved his arm and my chair was my own again.
Sid soon changed the topic from sports to more personal things. Crap. He turned his entire body to face me when he talked while I kept my hands in my lap and tried to stare straight ahead as much as possible. Sid talked about how all his friends are married and how he is looking to settle down and start the next 'chapter' of his life.
"Not me. Nooo. I have so much going on right now. Did I mention that I currently have 3 part-time jobs? Yeah, not much free time for me. No siree."
We managed to make it through another round of drinks, but as soon as Sid mentioned ordering food, I said I had already eaten and should probably go soon.
"I have an early day tomorrow. At. One. Of the jobs," I said.
The entire evening I spent marveling at the fact Sid could advertise himself so falsely. I don't mean to come across harshly, but when you post a profile picture that looks like a completely different person and adjust your height by 4" it is not okay! It only takes 1 date to call someone's bluff. Don't assume a perspective date is going to be an idiot.
When Sid dropped me off in front of my apartment he leaned over and tried to kiss me. But I was too fast for him! As I flung the car door open he literally looked pissed that I wouldn't kiss him. Not hurt, just angry. Don't think just because you paid for my drinks my lips are going anywhere near yours. If only a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' statement actually worked in adult situations.
Now I can understand why Nancy killed Sid in the hotel bathroom. Or was it the other way around? Hmm...must add the movie to my Netflix Q.
Score: -6 points
As soon as Sid got out of his car I realized a vast error had been made. Sid looked NOTHING like his profile picture. And when I write 'nothing', I mean I started wondering if I had mixed Sid up with some other Indian guy who I might have been communicating with. But, there wasn't another Indian guy, it was only Sid. And Sid appeared to be about 10 years older than his profile picture with about a quarter of the amount of hair. Don't even get me started on the height difference. Not only was Sid shorter than his published 6'0", he was a good 2" shorter than me (and I'm 5"9'....I promise). In other words, Sid was an imposter!
Greeaat. This was going to be a fun night. I got into Sid's car and tried to hide my shock. He drove up the street to a wine bar that I liked. When we parked I realized that the wine bar no longer existed and now it was some kind of tavern. What is happening in the universe?!
Sid and I engaged in mild banter during the brief car ride. As soon as we parked he gave me a small box of chocolate covered cherries from Godiva that he had picked up at the mall while shopping for his niece's birthday gift. I graciously thanked him and filed the box away in the bottom of my purse. Why didn't the cute guys ever bring presents? Maybe because they know they don't have to.
We found two spots at the bar and I immediately recognized the bartender from the wine bar that apparently no longer existed. He recognized me as well. We started chatting and told me they had changed venues during the summer and was surprised I hadn't been in since then. Bartender guy was cute and I remembered having had a bit of a crush on him. Knowing it is completely rude to flirt with a guy while on a date with another guy, I proceeded to flirt away! Time to bring out the big guns. Sid seemed slightly annoyed by this.
After we ordered 2 glasses of wine I noticed Sid's chair was awfully close to mine. And then...wait, why was his arm casually resting on the back of my chair? Uh oh. More social cues were definitely needed. I inched as far away from Sid's chair as I possibly could without risking falling out of my own chair.
Luckily, the Olympics were on the bar television and I pretended to be a huge hockey fan. Keep the conversation to sports, I thought. This was a little tricky as I know nothing about sports. But, I do know hockey is huge in Canada so I lead the conversation with that. I happily noticed Sid soon moved his arm and my chair was my own again.
Sid soon changed the topic from sports to more personal things. Crap. He turned his entire body to face me when he talked while I kept my hands in my lap and tried to stare straight ahead as much as possible. Sid talked about how all his friends are married and how he is looking to settle down and start the next 'chapter' of his life.
"Not me. Nooo. I have so much going on right now. Did I mention that I currently have 3 part-time jobs? Yeah, not much free time for me. No siree."
We managed to make it through another round of drinks, but as soon as Sid mentioned ordering food, I said I had already eaten and should probably go soon.
"I have an early day tomorrow. At. One. Of the jobs," I said.
The entire evening I spent marveling at the fact Sid could advertise himself so falsely. I don't mean to come across harshly, but when you post a profile picture that looks like a completely different person and adjust your height by 4" it is not okay! It only takes 1 date to call someone's bluff. Don't assume a perspective date is going to be an idiot.
When Sid dropped me off in front of my apartment he leaned over and tried to kiss me. But I was too fast for him! As I flung the car door open he literally looked pissed that I wouldn't kiss him. Not hurt, just angry. Don't think just because you paid for my drinks my lips are going anywhere near yours. If only a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' statement actually worked in adult situations.
Now I can understand why Nancy killed Sid in the hotel bathroom. Or was it the other way around? Hmm...must add the movie to my Netflix Q.
Score: -6 points
Friday, April 16, 2010
The Guy Who Jumped the Shark
A few months ago I went out on 3 dates with a guy I'll call Prick (just for kicks). Prick had a very important job working at a very important computer software company. He was in the midst of developing a giant computer program that would change the way people use computer software (or this is the way I translated his technical lingo).
Prick and I met for the first time at a beer joint in Dupont Circle one weeknight after work. I was overjoyed to see that Prick was indeed taller than me and pretty cute as well. Score! He gave me a quick hug and seemed warm and friendly.
We sat at a table near a window and immediately ordered 2 beers (I went with my trusty favorite, Amstel Light...typical girlie beer). After we finished with the 'what do you do' segment of the conversation we somehow stumbled into a long talk about religion and philosophy. I'm not sure how that happened, but Prick started quoting famous religious texts left and right. I was a little thrown by this as I've always considered myself to be more spiritual than religious. Prick assured me he wasn't religious, but found the topic to be somewhat fascinating. I mumbled some tidbits about having grown up Catholic and tried to steer the conversation elsewhere.
After a quick discussion about Prick's fondness of cycling and deep admiration of Lance Armstrong, we split the tab and left. Our first date felt like a whirlwind of strange conversation and I didn't really know what to think of Prick. When we got outside, he gave me a hug and said he would call me. I didn't hold out much hope for that to happen though.
A week went by and suddenly I get a call from Prick asking me out to dinner. I agreed, hoping we would get to know each other a little more on the 2nd date. I was right. Prick seemed almost like a different person. He was much more animated and was cracking jokes left and right. Our 2nd date consisted of dinner and a jazz show. Even though I'm not a big fan of jazz, I honestly had a great time.
When Prick asked me out again, I was fairly excited. This time he came over to my neighborhood and we went to dinner at a sushi restaurant on my block. Prick came straight from work and seemed tired and in a bit of a bad mood. What happened to the fun, animated guy from date #2? Maybe he was tired from a long day of work or just moody. Our conversation over maki rolls didn't go so well. Prick began asking me a barrage of questions regarding my stance on various political issues. I felt like I was being interrogated. To say I'm not a political person is a vast understatement, so I really didn't appreciate Prick's line of questioning. I could tell by the way he was looking at me that my answers were not up to par.
When the check came and Prick said, "Do you wanna split it," I knew things were not going well.
I wasn't sure what to do at this point, but Prick suggested we walk down the street and grab a drink (by drink he meant hot tea). Conversation continued to go down hill. We started talking about movies (a topic I love) and Prick mentioned he enjoys documentaries about wars. Wait, what? Documentaries about wars. I realize wars play a valuable role in our nation's history, but come on! I would rather watch paint dry. As soon as he said this my face fell and I knew it was over.
"I enjoy documentaries as well," I responded. "As long as they are about famous artists, writers or actors. Or people related to famous artist, writers or actors."
Prick walked me home and gave me a quick hug and kiss. No chemistry. He said he would be in touch, but again, I wasn't going to hold my breath.
Low and behold the next morning I receive an email from Prick. He wrote that 'while I had a lot of fun spending time with you, I'm not looking for a relationship'. He went on to write how much he hated sending these types of emails, but he didn't want to string me along. So, he was breaking up with me after 3 dates? Um...
I responded with a little email of my own. "Thanks for being honest. I feel exactly the same way". Short, sweet and to the point.
Score: 2 points
Prick and I met for the first time at a beer joint in Dupont Circle one weeknight after work. I was overjoyed to see that Prick was indeed taller than me and pretty cute as well. Score! He gave me a quick hug and seemed warm and friendly.
We sat at a table near a window and immediately ordered 2 beers (I went with my trusty favorite, Amstel Light...typical girlie beer). After we finished with the 'what do you do' segment of the conversation we somehow stumbled into a long talk about religion and philosophy. I'm not sure how that happened, but Prick started quoting famous religious texts left and right. I was a little thrown by this as I've always considered myself to be more spiritual than religious. Prick assured me he wasn't religious, but found the topic to be somewhat fascinating. I mumbled some tidbits about having grown up Catholic and tried to steer the conversation elsewhere.
After a quick discussion about Prick's fondness of cycling and deep admiration of Lance Armstrong, we split the tab and left. Our first date felt like a whirlwind of strange conversation and I didn't really know what to think of Prick. When we got outside, he gave me a hug and said he would call me. I didn't hold out much hope for that to happen though.
A week went by and suddenly I get a call from Prick asking me out to dinner. I agreed, hoping we would get to know each other a little more on the 2nd date. I was right. Prick seemed almost like a different person. He was much more animated and was cracking jokes left and right. Our 2nd date consisted of dinner and a jazz show. Even though I'm not a big fan of jazz, I honestly had a great time.
When Prick asked me out again, I was fairly excited. This time he came over to my neighborhood and we went to dinner at a sushi restaurant on my block. Prick came straight from work and seemed tired and in a bit of a bad mood. What happened to the fun, animated guy from date #2? Maybe he was tired from a long day of work or just moody. Our conversation over maki rolls didn't go so well. Prick began asking me a barrage of questions regarding my stance on various political issues. I felt like I was being interrogated. To say I'm not a political person is a vast understatement, so I really didn't appreciate Prick's line of questioning. I could tell by the way he was looking at me that my answers were not up to par.
When the check came and Prick said, "Do you wanna split it," I knew things were not going well.
I wasn't sure what to do at this point, but Prick suggested we walk down the street and grab a drink (by drink he meant hot tea). Conversation continued to go down hill. We started talking about movies (a topic I love) and Prick mentioned he enjoys documentaries about wars. Wait, what? Documentaries about wars. I realize wars play a valuable role in our nation's history, but come on! I would rather watch paint dry. As soon as he said this my face fell and I knew it was over.
"I enjoy documentaries as well," I responded. "As long as they are about famous artists, writers or actors. Or people related to famous artist, writers or actors."
Prick walked me home and gave me a quick hug and kiss. No chemistry. He said he would be in touch, but again, I wasn't going to hold my breath.
Low and behold the next morning I receive an email from Prick. He wrote that 'while I had a lot of fun spending time with you, I'm not looking for a relationship'. He went on to write how much he hated sending these types of emails, but he didn't want to string me along. So, he was breaking up with me after 3 dates? Um...
I responded with a little email of my own. "Thanks for being honest. I feel exactly the same way". Short, sweet and to the point.
Score: 2 points
Sunday, April 4, 2010
'Sexiest User'...Moi?
Yesterday I was checking my mail on one of the dating sites I use and saw something unexpected. As soon as I logged in to the website my very own profile picture suddenly appeared with something typed below it. Sexiest User. Wait, What?
Naturally this took me by surprise. Many questions popped into my head. Who assigns these superlatives...the Plenty of Fish robot? Does this only come up on MY computer or does everyone automatically see my newly branded profile picture once they log in? How the Hell am I perpetually single if I'm supposedly the 'sexiest user'? Maybe this is a sign I've been on the dating site too long.
Regardless, my new project is to try and figure out how flaunt my supposed sexiness. Game on!
I know that when I think of sexy people my mind automatically goes to a lovely young man by the name of James Franco (ie my celebrity crush #2). So, I'm going to post a picture of James next to today's post. Love you James!
P.S. Happy Easter and Happy Passover!
Naturally this took me by surprise. Many questions popped into my head. Who assigns these superlatives...the Plenty of Fish robot? Does this only come up on MY computer or does everyone automatically see my newly branded profile picture once they log in? How the Hell am I perpetually single if I'm supposedly the 'sexiest user'? Maybe this is a sign I've been on the dating site too long.
Regardless, my new project is to try and figure out how flaunt my supposed sexiness. Game on!
I know that when I think of sexy people my mind automatically goes to a lovely young man by the name of James Franco (ie my celebrity crush #2). So, I'm going to post a picture of James next to today's post. Love you James!
P.S. Happy Easter and Happy Passover!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The Canadian Guy
Last fall I went out on a few dates with a guy who had recently moved to D.C. from our northern pal, Canada (I'll call him Granola). Granola and I met for lunch one sunny afternoon in October. We discussed art and literature over salads in Dupont Circle and then walked over to the Phillips Collection (one of my all time favorite museums). Granola and I hit it off right away and seemed to have very similar interests. Not only was Granola well read, he enjoyed going to museums and art galleries as much as I did. And he didn't seem to mind the fact that after we left the museum I couldn't remember what street I had parked on.
I noticed Granola seemed to be a fairly private person, which I can respect. I tend to be on the private side as well (which sort of goes against the fact that I write a blog about my dating life). I learned Granola was a teacher and rented a house in northeast. He decided to join a dating site upon moving here to try and meet people. I asked if he had a roommate and he said that he did, but didn't offer any further details about his living situation. Hmm...a little fishy.
We proceeded to go out 2 more times. I was really enjoying Granola's company, but there was something that bothered me about him that I just couldn't put my finger on. We had great conversations, he was very easygoing and cute (even if he was a tad shorter than me..but at this point I have ALMOST come to expect that from internet dates), but by the 3rd date I still felt a little disconnected from him.
On this particular date, Granola and I went to dinner at a Thai restaurant and then for a drink at a bar across the street that had recently opened. Granola told me all about his days of being a cross country traveler and opened up about his family. With each beer, intimate details of his life started pouring out of his mouth. And then came the kicker.
"So, I actually moved here to be with my girlfriend, but as soon as I moved in we broke up."
I KNEW something was up!
"Oh, so SHE'S your roommate." I said, starting to put the missing pieces together.
Granola then started rambling on about how they had been dating on and off for years, but had never lived in the same place and he decided to move to D.C. to see if they could make it work, blah, blah, blah. But now he realized it was over and he wanted to find a new place to live, blah, blah, blah.
At this point he told me how he really liked me and was waiting for the right time to tell me this.
"Uh huh, well, this IS good information to know," I muttered in between sips of wine. Now I was over it. The last thing I needed or wanted was to deal with ex-girlfriend drama.
He sent me a text later that evening about how he would like to see me again, but nothing ever materialized. As soon as he mentioned the details about his ex-girlfriend and their history I lost interest. I mean, who wants to date someone who still has a lingering situation with their ex?
A few weeks later I was working a weekend brunch shift (I hostess part-time at a restaurant downtown) and low and behold who walks in? Granola and the 'ex'. I was so caught off guard I almost dropped the huge stack of menus I was holding. He made a quick introduction (I did happily notice she was a tad mousy looking). We happened to be really busy at the time and didn't have any available tables. They ended up going somewhere else and I was left wondering if he had remembered that I worked at that particular restaurant and stopped by on purpose or if it was just a fluke. Regardless, I was on to the next non-Canadian guy!
Score: 1 point
I noticed Granola seemed to be a fairly private person, which I can respect. I tend to be on the private side as well (which sort of goes against the fact that I write a blog about my dating life). I learned Granola was a teacher and rented a house in northeast. He decided to join a dating site upon moving here to try and meet people. I asked if he had a roommate and he said that he did, but didn't offer any further details about his living situation. Hmm...a little fishy.
We proceeded to go out 2 more times. I was really enjoying Granola's company, but there was something that bothered me about him that I just couldn't put my finger on. We had great conversations, he was very easygoing and cute (even if he was a tad shorter than me..but at this point I have ALMOST come to expect that from internet dates), but by the 3rd date I still felt a little disconnected from him.
On this particular date, Granola and I went to dinner at a Thai restaurant and then for a drink at a bar across the street that had recently opened. Granola told me all about his days of being a cross country traveler and opened up about his family. With each beer, intimate details of his life started pouring out of his mouth. And then came the kicker.
"So, I actually moved here to be with my girlfriend, but as soon as I moved in we broke up."
I KNEW something was up!
"Oh, so SHE'S your roommate." I said, starting to put the missing pieces together.
Granola then started rambling on about how they had been dating on and off for years, but had never lived in the same place and he decided to move to D.C. to see if they could make it work, blah, blah, blah. But now he realized it was over and he wanted to find a new place to live, blah, blah, blah.
At this point he told me how he really liked me and was waiting for the right time to tell me this.
"Uh huh, well, this IS good information to know," I muttered in between sips of wine. Now I was over it. The last thing I needed or wanted was to deal with ex-girlfriend drama.
He sent me a text later that evening about how he would like to see me again, but nothing ever materialized. As soon as he mentioned the details about his ex-girlfriend and their history I lost interest. I mean, who wants to date someone who still has a lingering situation with their ex?
A few weeks later I was working a weekend brunch shift (I hostess part-time at a restaurant downtown) and low and behold who walks in? Granola and the 'ex'. I was so caught off guard I almost dropped the huge stack of menus I was holding. He made a quick introduction (I did happily notice she was a tad mousy looking). We happened to be really busy at the time and didn't have any available tables. They ended up going somewhere else and I was left wondering if he had remembered that I worked at that particular restaurant and stopped by on purpose or if it was just a fluke. Regardless, I was on to the next non-Canadian guy!
Score: 1 point
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